wait, whats wrong with me!?????

Posted on Jan 21, 2010 in Uncategorized, journaling, personal | 21 comments

A lot had happened since Saturday… i counted down the days eagerly waiting for wed ~ the day that i would know what was wrong with my back. I didn’t know it would be as bad as it is. It was a hurricane to me.

I found out tat i have 4 discs in my back that are not in the right places, two are broad based protrusions (t5-6 and t6-7), one is bulging (c5-6) and one is herniation (c-6-7) on top of this i have mild scoliosis, and cerebellar tonsillar ectopia. (where your brain is coming out of the hole in your skull where your spinal cord goes in.

woah!

I fought back tears as hard as i could as the doctor tried to explain what this all meant…but all i could hear was blah blah blah, oh by the way your brains leaking out of your head. i was in total panic, and couldn’t breath well. Jon came with me because i knew this would happen, that at some point a piece of information would send me over the top and i would be lost in worry and not listen. he prodded with q’s and the doctor asked if i was worried (cus i apparently showed it a lot!) i said, “yeah! who expects to hear that their brain is leaking into their neck!?” she disappeared and came back shortly to say that she cant even see the tonsillar ectopia and called the radiologist and he remeasured and it isn’t even to worry, and is normal. i was then extremely relieved and angry that she didn’t look at it BEFORE she told me! (really!!!!) isn’t that what we pay them to do?

so i start physical therapy tues, twice a week for 8 weeks…and if i handle it well than i should be better. if its too painful (and from what i have read it sounds horribly painful) then i will need steriod shots, and if that still doesn’t work then i will be in surgery. i am determined to fix it with out that much!

Yesterday was so glum for me. i am unsure what i expected the doctor to say…but it sure wasn’t this! wholly cow!!! i self medicated with cookies and chocolate shakes and sobby chick flicks. helped a bit. (well it let me dwell in my self pity at least.) but today i said to myself “girl, enough! get out of bed, clean and make today a good day.”

I did. I have deep cleaned my kitchen, caught up all the dishes, helped cooper clean his room and even washed cuppords and floors. on top of this i decided to cut back my stress. This business started as a way for me to be single (cus at the time jon and i had both quit trying to make marriage work) then turned into a way to put him through school, and then turned into a way to make tons of money and i got lost. now i am paying the price. (well, skating and snowboarding added to this as well…lol) I backed off my work, decided to do MINIMAL shoots until April…and then re-evaluate. i sold my booth space at the upcoming wedding show and am ready to JUST BE A MOM. to care for my body and my home and son as my FULL priorities. I am not saying that what i have been doing is of no value, but i just have too much on my plate. i cant and shouldn’t run faster than i can run!

i am sorry for missing the photo of the week. i didnt take one picture this week. been sort of sad. But i am back and eager to achieve again. eager to start meditating and yoga/pilates and phys therapy and then PLAY with cooper, and date jon. and scrapbooking again! i have not done that in sooooooo long!

i feel envigorated, ready to RUN… but just as fast as i can! (and noooo more)