healthier…stronger…happier

Posted on Sep 16, 2011 in from the heart, journaling | 8 comments

This was a very deliberated post for me. I had to REALLY form the words in my mind before i was even brave enough to admit them. My marriage is over. I finished my divorce this week. Not many people knew about it ~ let alone what has been happening. Those closest to me knew what was happening even before i.

I write this post not to get pity or sympathy because honestly i am not sad anymore. I am thrilled at the prospect of a emotionally able life again. The situation that i just left is dire and looking back i am appalled at what we cannot see while ‘in it’ I write this post to help any other women that are in similar situations and may not know it. i write this post because when you are in them you are embarrassed to talk about them (as you have been taught to do…and the guilt consumes your every thought (as you have been taught to do ~ and you know (because you have been told that) that you will not be able to help or change anything. You have been told that you are not enough nor will you ever be.

Emotional abuse is real. I never really knew what it meant until i was physically ill week by week and the doctors were sure i had an auto-immune disease and was dying. No matter what i did i couldn’t heal. But now since i removed myself from the abuse i am healthy and have not ONCE since the day i cried to God for help and started on this path to redemption have i so much as had a headache. I went from bed-ridden every other week barfing and crying to running 2 miles a day in the hills. Each run i feel healthier ~ stronger ~ happier. Tonight i ran again. The city was glowing as i ran back down the hills towards it and i started crying and had to stop.

I battled even accepting this because the need to NOT let your emotionally abusive partner  ”hurt” “anger” ANYTHING is so large that your literally scared to voice how bad you hurt.

A year and half ago i had a dream that i was drowning… read here

That started my journey of life coaching and thought coaching

that started my journey of regaining myself

then a series of events lead me to here where i was finally strong enough to say “you have misrepresented me to everyone that you talk to and made look so horrible…and i am not. you have isolated me from even those that i thought were my closest friends and family for some pity and sympothy. CONTROL and i will no longer let you control me. you used to tell me that your biggest fear was that others would see that you were a phony and then you would be left with nothing. you told the councilor that…but i finally get what you meant. it was not “self worth” it was a game, to make you look good and me bad. I am finished with it.”

God told me “lindy ~ you have done all that you can, time to walk away now.”

walk.

I am a great friend

i am a great mormon/christian

i never lie

i never cheat

i am a great mother

i am beautiful

you cannot hold me back anymore

you admitted that you dimmed my candle to feel better about how dim your was

you admitted that you controlled my relations with others and the way they perceived me so that i needed you only

you asked me to stop being friends with those that helped, loved, or supported me so that nobody but you could help me

you asked me to slow down, do less, be less so that you felt okay about your life

i am fast,

i am healthier

i am stronger

i am happier

Eventually the truth will come out that you manipulate your family and others into disliking me so that you need take no responsibility and get all the pity that you want.

I still love you ~ i still care about you. its my nature. But i cannot enable you or stay so little for you any more.

my son needs me and i cannot be me with you

God loves me

To all the mothers or wives out there who think that there is no hope ~ read this :   emotional abuse and brainwashers it blew my mind how every line but like 4 HIT RIGHT AT HOME FOR ME. … also know this escaping this kind of abuse if HORRIBLY DIFFICULT because the world doesnt want to believe you due to the show that the abuser puts on when others are present… and most likely if your like me you will hide it thinking its you because the abuser has got mostly all you deal with thinking its you too and eventually your self-esteem will drop so low that you will quit trying and expect nothing. you will get to the point that i did (eventually) where you will say “lindy, you can leave today OR you can live and die this way” I have lost friends that i have had for 18 years because of things said about me of recent. I have lost what little support i had from most family members. Thank GOD for my mom and dads christianity and common sense to see through the act and trust me enough to know that i do talk to God and he does talk to me. You may feel entirely alone…but  you can do it. there is the chance that NO ONE will believe you ~ but God will. and you will… and you dont need people to believe in you IF you BELIEVE in you. And you need to be able to be you. you need to break out the of walls and prejudices that your abuser put you in no matter how many people don’t believe you or leave you. (your better off with out those kinds of family and friends anyway)

I believe in me

Walk.

You are strong enough! you deserve to be loved. God is waiting with open arms waiting to hold you and help you grow

healthier

stronger

happier

I am not angry ~ i already forgave him. I dont want pity ~ its like my birthday