i can’t wait to have you back
My mom and i were texting this morning and as i was talking to her about the things that have been happening to me as i move forward with deliberance in life she text me this
“Cant wait to have you back.”
This hit me hard. Where did i go? I was submerged in pessimism, depression, abuse, and neglect…i had retreated into this cloud of pain and hate. And looking back i think that my x would say he felt similar and that his family would say the same thing to him.
“Cant wait to have you back.”
But thinking about things i know that i need to make peace with my past. How? God…think about it. If Cooper had been in a mostly toxic relationship for 8 years i would say the same thing to him. Its okay and its great that both of us have people around us to love us enough to tell us
“Cant wait to have you back.”
I realized today when mom said that that its not against my x, she loves him, but that she just loves me too. She knows that the situation we had been was hurtful and that leaving it free’d both of us. We can now heal and grow and be blessed in our efforts. Its not that those loving my x hate me, they might …but its okay…because they are there for him and thats what matters. Live separately from others, allow them full happiness…and LIVE happily.
When i was on a journey quest this summer ~ at a particularly low moment ~ i locked myself in the bathroom, cranked the itunes and sobbed hoping all my friends couldn’t hear. I cried so long and hard that i couldnt breathe and blacked out on the floor for a moment. I took a deep breath and said to myself “chin up girl…long road still and cooper needs you when you get home.” i hopped in the shower and had this most amazing experience. I usually dont share these things freely but i feel that this could benefit so many people. I was in despair, trying intensely to breathe calmly when things got sort of illuminecent around me and i heard a voice call my name. I looked around and saw no one and asked in my mind “god? is that you?” the voice said “if there is a god, then i am the father of your soul and i would never want my child to feel this way.” i gasped…i felt free just from that thought …that God himself
“Cant wait to have me back.”
so i looked around and the room was calm, bright and peace came over me. the voice said “Lindy, how often do you feel this way?” I thought back…at least once a week for 8 years. the voice then asked, “Would you want Cooper to feel this way once a week for 8 years?”
no.
Nothing else was said. But its this thought that both my x and i had been hurting, trying, pained, suppressed and nothing could be fixed any further. and that not only family, friends and supporters felt this but GOD…he is always there loving us. he wants us back…be it from sin, or just plain misery… he
“Cant wait to have us back.”
and then the next question is…shouldn’t we feel the same? shouldn’t we be thrilled to come back? It often seems like the hard thing to do…to come back. it often is. its often the “wrong thing” to society or standerby’s but…when we DO what is right unafraid of the consequences there are so many around us that are excited to support and “have us back” Its not just sinners that god is calling back…its those clouded by pains, clouded by failures…and anything that takes us away from our divine vision and positive movements.
This life is breathtaking. its so amazing what one person, one sentence, one movement towards something greater can do for our joy.
I am glad to be coming back.
