if only….
This post is so intense for me! Its the greatest step to healing that i have found and taken since life coaching and it CAME from the lessons that Kirsten taught me on thought management.
I have had intense anger flowing through my veins…since august. Mainly directed towards four or five individuals that abandoned me at my time of greatest need. I had been there for these individuals as unconditionally as i could for over fifteen years and suddenly when i got divorced they stopped being there. Told me i was not family, told me that they were no longer my friends…that they no longer cared about me. at first i was so freaking sad about it…no brothers???? no kindred spirit girlfriend since childhood anymore??? what will i do??? Then of course the anger towards the man who abused me for years…but i couldn’t shake it. it started building into this immense anger that started trickling into my daily routines, my daily thoughts…my family relations. I started hating them. Then i started hating me…then others that i had nothing but love towards. I dont want to get into what these people did to me…needless to say it was large…horrible and inexcusable.
“You need to let go of your anger ” Jeremiah told me.
HOW>>>???? i cried out to God while gripping these memories and pains as tightly as i could.
it turned out that anger is merely a symptom of the problem… i started to see the real deal.
I could not accept the fact that this was my past. that i had pumped years of unreturned love and energy into these individuals. I could not stand the fact that i was such a fool to love so deeply. how could they treat me so after they had NO reason to be this way? How could so many people dislike me when all i did was my best and gave and gave and gave unselfishly and unconditionally…
it infuriated me. To the point that i was seeing red. i wanted them to suffer the way they made me suffer.
i realized the root of the problem.
I kept trying to change the past in my mind.
As kirsten of blue lotus healing taught me its listening to our daily “little girl” inside that helps us find the root.
I would hear myself thinking:
“If only cooper was “genetically” Jeremiahs…”
“If only i was adopted…”
“If only …”
“If only….”
“If only…………”
and these thought were not acepting of the past…they didn’t allow any change because they didnt let me even fathom that it was real yet.
so i started listening more closely and i started to see the “red flags” (red-flags are warning signs that i find…when i hear myself say a particular word… (insert word here) then i know …(insert action or thought) ..is coming. and then when i heard or saw this red flag i would quickly change my thought to something that is as true OR TRUER…
i would say “Lindy, the past cannot be any other way.”
That simple.
i cannot forgive my brothers if i think they might have been able to be better than they were…or act differently. it is what is is…they are who they are…and therefore,
it couldnt have been any different.
my girlfriend couldnt have done anything differently…she is as she is…therefore it is what it is…and
it couldnt have been any different.
And this started to shift things. i am forgiving them…i am letting it go.
the weight of wishing they had done things differently started to fall our of my hands. the truth is it was not INSIDE of me. i am not a hateful person. i have NEVER hated until now and its leaving fast. I was holding them tightly in my hand and not wanting to let go…i was trying to change each thing. Re-write it in my mind. and now i am saying…i cannot make this anything but what it is…
it couldnt have been any different.
and when looking at this in perspective i can more clearly see that i am healing! and here i am in the life that i Always wanted! i wanted a man that i could love so freely and a family that so openly accepted me exactly as i was! I have friends that DO as i wished these individuals would have. But i am so thankful for the way that it turned out…this is what i had prayed for daily for eight years.
and what if….
what if …
what if ONE thing was different in my past??? I might not have Jeremiah in my life right now! i might not have the greatest husband, father and friend i have ever had. What if one little thing had not happened to me? i might not have the smartest coolest child that i have! What if just one little thing had shifted in my past…i might not have joy anymore. i might not have the friends that i do now. (you know who you are)
so here i am…letting go of the “what ifs…” truly ACCEPTING the past… learning to forgive, let go and LIVE!
In regards to “revenge” or “closure” or anything regarding the “haters” …. the greatest thing that i can do is live a good life, happy, that is right with the Lord…and i am.
truth deep inside is i love these individuals. i hate what happened. i loved them enough to put this amount of energy and service towards them for so long…thats why it hurt. and although i cannot be close with them anymore i accept that and I wish them the best lives that they can live. i wish them to see what they did wrong and not hurt anyone that they truly do love as they did me. I wish them to find success, security, and joy…as i have.
I am not perfect…i am a grain of sand…but someday ~ i will be a pearl.