“Cant wait to have you back.”

This hit me hard. Where did i go? I was submerged in pessimism, depression, abuse, and neglect…i had retreated into this cloud of pain and hate. And looking back i think that my x would say he felt similar and that his family would say the same thing to him.

“Cant wait to have you back.”

But thinking about things i know that i need to make peace with my past. How? God…think about it. If Cooper had been in a mostly toxic relationship for 8 years i would say the same thing to him. Its okay and its great that both of us have people around us to love us enough to tell us

“Cant wait to have you back.”

I realized today when mom said that that its not against my x, she loves him, but that she just loves me too. She knows that the situation we had been was hurtful and that leaving it free’d both of us. We can now heal and grow and be blessed in our efforts. Its not that those loving my x hate me, they might …but its okay…because they are there for him and thats what matters. Live separately from others, allow them full happiness…and LIVE happily.

When i was on a journey quest this summer ~ at a particularly low moment ~ i locked myself in the bathroom, cranked the itunes and sobbed hoping all my friends couldn’t hear. I cried so long and hard that i couldnt breathe and blacked out on the floor for a moment. I took a deep breath and said to myself “chin up girl…long road still and cooper needs you when you get home.” i hopped in the shower and had this most amazing experience. I usually dont share these things freely but i feel that this could benefit so many people. I was in despair, trying intensely to breathe calmly when things got sort of illuminecent around me and i heard a voice call my name. I looked around and saw no one and asked in my mind “god? is that you?” the voice said “if there is a god, then i am the father of your soul and i would never want my child to feel this way.” i gasped…i felt free just from that thought …that God himself

“Cant wait to have me back.”

so i looked around and the room was calm, bright and peace came over me. the voice said “Lindy, how often do you feel this way?” I thought back…at least once a week for 8 years. the voice then asked, “Would you want Cooper to feel this way once a week for 8 years?”

no.

Nothing else was said. But its this thought that both my x and i had been hurting, trying, pained, suppressed and nothing could be fixed any further. and that not only family, friends and supporters felt this but GOD…he is always there loving us. he wants us back…be it from sin, or just plain misery… he

“Cant wait to have us back.”

and then the next question is…shouldn’t we feel the same? shouldn’t we be thrilled to come back? It often seems like the hard thing to do…to come back. it often is. its often the “wrong thing” to society or standerby’s but…when we DO what is right unafraid of the consequences there are so many around us that are excited to support and “have us back” Its not just sinners that god is calling back…its those clouded by pains, clouded by failures…and anything that takes us away from our divine vision and positive movements.

This life is breathtaking. its so amazing what one person, one sentence, one movement towards something greater can do for our joy.

I am glad to be coming back.

We were talking about how the people around us can sometimes know us better than we do…or be the farthest from you too.

We are our own enemies and our own cheerleaders depending on the minute and sometimes depending upon the chapter we are currently writing in our lives. We see ourselves clean the whole house in a day and say “Lindy your so rocket-juice-badd!” and the the next day we lose our patience and snap at our kid and say “Lindy thats ridiculous parenting! pull your head out!” How do we get to REALLY know US? its tricky because depending on what someone has told someone else about us there are biases and horrible judgments against you so that person will never REALLY know you. This happens. And sometimes, especially for the emotionally abused you will.  i did start to think that “everyone around me cant be wrong” But they are!!!! not about you ~ but rather about who is saying things about you to them…they are wrong about THAT person. Try not to fault them because, after all, if someone you loved and trusted came to you saying things about someone you didn’t really know you might take their word too. But remember…if the thought comes to you that so many people CANNOT be wrong think again. I seem to remember a war that proved that point emensly… WWII

There is NOT ONE person on this earth that does not deserve true love and happiness. its our purpose.

Find the people in your life that you TRULY can trust and then do that. TRUST THEM.

This is not to say that you need to find a person that will not say your wrong or need to work on things, you do and are a lot. BUT find the person that will be honest, and love you no matter what and trust them. Jerry shows me the ways that i am beautiful. I feel beautiful next to him, i feel loved, safe. He helps me see where i need to improve and encourages me to do so but never makes me feel belittled. That person who can lift us ALWAYS up is out there for you, be brave, follow your bliss and be patient. they will find you. and it often takes being “wrong” in societies eyes, friends eyes, families…in order to do whats right. but remember

do what is right let the consequence follow!

and this leads me to my next thought.Who is the only person truly deserving 100% trust? your God…his son. They know you!

in him

He loves you, he KNOWS you and will guide you through the storm. he will lead you to the person that can be there for you and help you be there for others.

SHINE

so….recap ~

take my words at face value. when i say “i love my monkey and i love to think about how blessed i am for following god and getting a divorce” it means that by doing what i was told to do i am blessed. not that anyone is a bad person or that there is nothing sad about divorce. it means that i am focusing on all the amazing things that has happened for cooper since things shifted and enjoying the bliss that i see in him now. i am enjoying the consistent happy boy that i have again. I am enjoying watching him growing so much that i know happened as a direct result of being brave enough to follow god. Really…i am a honest point plank human being. i cannot live in ANY way that i feel is opposed to gods will or is dishonest. i dont even feel that i can keep things inside me when i feel blessed i need to share it. if my sharing my blessings offends you i am sorry that your in a place where others thriving hurts you and i pray for your strength to get to the place that i am discovering.

As Ani Difranco decided long ago that if she was an HONEST ARTIST that put her life out there to inspire, create or just live honesty then she would not read the things that others wrote about her ever so that she could stay real to herself. if you have something to say about my blog you may email me but if i feel that its going to contain anything mean or negative i will delete it at sight. i will not read them anymore. i am not who you write about ~ i am not who you think you know. i am great. i am a BELOVED daughter of god who in NO WAY deserves these emails and comments…I hope that you dont waste your time reading things you dont like and hating and writing such things that can only bring you down for just writing! I hope that you heal from my divorce too, as i and Cooper are doing. We live and we learn and we try and try and try and when we follow god and our strength allows us to rise above it it is soooo worth it.

“What do you do when someones hating on you????

Simple: Rise above and fly above. Its amazing how your success can intimidate others. People you never expected come out the wood work bringing negative energy…I’m learning to stay neutral and let it all fly.”    from: this amazing artist

i really pray for you all.

fine.

I love this little monkey! he is my reason and my everything. i love thinking about how greatly he is blessed from my decision to follow my answers to my prayers and how amazing his life is becoming due to the blessings coming from being brave enough to follow my bliss.

and to top it off its nothing that i pictured being ideal for him….and yet it is more than i could have done for him staying in such a toxic situation. I sobbed with PURE joy new years eve in the shower thanking God profusely for blessing me so much and finally answering my prayers.

I am so thankful. To so much. But mostly God, Cooper, Jerry and oddly enough ME…so thankful for the strength i somehow found. What a great new year!!!!!

So this is the follow up to yesterdays post…. looking at my almost spotless rooms i think… WHAT DID I DO??? Because really, if you think about it, its when things are going smoothly that more stuff happens almost as if the world is testing you. Things mess up…get messy, and explode killing everyone around. okay not really.

but stop and think!

isnt it when we think that we are doing good that we mess up? when we think that all is well and we are safe and comfortable that things start to heat up and get super uncomfortable? When we think that we have it all down that a new requirement is thrown into our laps and really spins the gears the wrong way?

So my thought today is not that we shouldnt clean! lol   but that rather than thinking that we are total screw ups because our house looks like thirty-eight monkeys on meth got loose in there, but that when we see an area that needs improvement, cleaning, throwing out, moving on, growing up, more sleep….whatever…. that we dont beat ourselves up. That instead of cussing out our own hearts we need to say “self, good JOB noticing this area to improve on! I am so thankful that i know how to be a better person.” and DO it happily.

Yes, i cuss at myself a lot, expecially when emimen is blasting for me! lol   but really its a GOOD thing that we see and act on the parts of ourselves that we are not yet content with. Its great that God allows us to judge ourselves but i dont think the ability to do such was so that we could barrette ourselves until we feel like curling up in the fetal position and crying for help. (that what i normally do) I think God allows us to notice these things so that we can constantly feel better about life. constantly get happier and happier.

i think that i might be SUPER happy if i eventually figured out how to ALWAYS keep the home happy and clean but it will take time. but until then i will take the happiness’s as they come and be thankful that i am still growing.

someday i will be a growed-up.    but thats a ways off still.

NOTE: my house is clean…dont call CPS from my last post! HA!

Dont be too appauled. this will be gone by morning.

And truly it takes ONE day! lol

BUT…

it hit me as i was taking down the tree that this is my life. This is ALL our lives. In order to achieve anything worth while it takes so much work, and it ALWAYS gets messy before it gets better.

Taking off all the ornaments off of the tree and carefully wrapping them all up i thought about all the memories that are wrapped up in each one. Now MANY people came and looked at me tree and complimented its beauty this year but none of them knew all the secrets and stories. It was a piece of art with so many layers and stories that only i know. i thought about how that is me ~ so many people want to tell me what i should be doing right now in my life…and to slow down etc… but like my beautiful tree ONLY i know what i should be doing. only i know what makes me happy, what my son needs, what God says to ME… my secrets, ornaments of my life…and i need to just smile and love them for loving me.

Stuffing the dang tree in the broken ripped box i realized that is also me ~ CRAMMED full and unable to keep it all together bound tightly with cords of love from God, Jeremiah, Cooper and my friends (family i made) and maybe a bit ruffled and torn i am still beautiful and what i contain inside can help so many and brighten so much. i can be a river teeming with life all around because of the greatness i hold inside. Thanks Jerry for holding me tight. you got me.

Throwing away the ornaments that were broken or held little meaning anymore i realized that it was just like the sorting of friends that i went through recently. I was told that i would learn who my real friends were and boy have i ever. But as silly as it sounds LETTING THEM GO, even though love is not requited from them has been difficult. But this year i let them go. haters BE GONE!

Putting away carefully wrapped decorations i thought about how my life is full if such valuable experiences now. Some very fragile and dear and others volatile… so i, like these decorations, wrap them carefully and put them safely away in the past where they can be accessed but not where they can interfere with my future and present life anymore.

closing the boxes up and taping them up i smiled. My room was eons cleaner, and yet

SO MUCH LEFT!

I will have the rest cleaned up today! ( I HATE MESS )

But the next thought i had was that even after learning all these things and doing so much there is much to do. and that things will get messier yet…because i have to find homes for things (newness entering in and old things to be sorted) and i need to deep clean (always repenting and putting good energies into life) and even when its perfect again tonight i will cook dinner…i will bathe cooper, play a bit and then put him to bed. and tomorrow will have to pick up his clothes int he bathroom, do more dishes, and then

REPEAT

My life will get messy and messier day after day ~ and i will always push on smiling at how wonderful i have it. I have learned to appreciate a bit of hard cleaning. (not too much! lol) but i really have enjoyed the mental and spiritual journey cleaning took me on today!

so momma’s

as you clean your house this jan ~ and take down christmas…think of how its just a reflection of the journeys that made us who were truly are and try and enjoy it!

Don’t judge me by my past, i don’t live there anymore

Thinking about this post for a while now. Since the last one about how to let our boys grow up to be men.

I watched this movie:  and was REALLY impressed with the vision (pun intended) that it had. it was about a life where people, when stressed, unhappy, or just dreaming to live a life that was not theirs would super combust. They would literally explode. One gal in the movie was always watching a TV show where the host of the show was reviewing a book with “steps to being happy” there were like a hundred or hundreds…some were “eat real butter” and otehr were “do yoga” “listen to birds.” but at one point the TV host was sobbing and shouting at the books author because the LAST step to being happy was “happiness is being happy.” and she didn’t know what to do with the information. She shot herself. she was so angry that it was not something that she could DO but rather BE…

I took this bit to heart. thinking about my life and the way that i chose to live for so long

we can CHOOSE to LIVE happy. I do daily now. intentionally ending any anxiety through prayer, meditation and friends quickly and choosing to be happy faster. i dont accept the things that i dont want to. i live the way i want to. i love how i want to. And i make sure that it is in line with Gods will for me all the while but i find the more that i accept his will and move forward i LOVE this life that he has lined up for me.

so this week…remember

happiness is being happy

and

be

happy

Looking at some of the boy-men that i know i think…how?

Were you not raised with a mother AND a father? Didn’t this man show you how to work? How to support a family? How to dedicate all that you are to helping your family?

BACK DOWN MOMS! Let our boys deal with problems on their own! let them learn to make friends and keep them! let them learn to EARN money by doing JOBS (NOT chores) (cooper has chores he needs to do daily and then a list of JOBS he can do to earn money – payoff’s weekly – IF his chores are done) Let them buy their own candy sometimes!

Let them BECOME MEN!

Since the start of the women’s movement in the 1960s, inequities faced by girls have

measures, considerable attention. But by many

boys are in far worse shape…

“[Boys] need people of their own biology to help them control and cope with their inherent urges and drives. They need men to help them understand by example how a man is different from a boy.”

talking to my love about this he said that it is the quintessential difference between men and boys…who raised them. Just watching him interact with Cooper is so rewarding for me. i can see exactly what Cooper has been needing and Cooper is responding with love and ACTIONS. His behavior is so much better at school and his responsibilities are being accomplished. Cooper is finally learning how to be a man, and i have stepped back and am enjoying the moments where i see him emulate what he learned a man would do. He is FAR from being a man, but i believe that he was built to be one. i believe that ALL boys have a MAN inside that is capable of being great. But i believe that there is a lack of MEN to teach them and too many women who hover over them and dont let them BECOME such.

MEN, where are you?

Why are there SOOOOOO many women earning the money to pay their bills? Why are there so many women that have to gather the family together to do family prayer and get the family to church functions? Why are there so many women that are teaching their SONS (via sheer neglect of the husbands) that its totally okay to allow the moms to do all the work? Men…step up.

And women, if you have a husband who WILL do these things but you dont let them, shame on you~ and young women… DONT marry anyone who is NOT already a MAN.

Its calm in my house. John has Cooper today. I wont see him until 630. I dont know how i feel about him being gone but the time is invaluable for me to process, clean, work…BREATHE

WE CAN CREATE OUR IDEAL LIFE & ITS OUR RIGHT TO DO SO