“Cant wait to have you back.”

This hit me hard. Where did i go? I was submerged in pessimism, depression, abuse, and neglect…i had retreated into this cloud of pain and hate. And looking back i think that my x would say he felt similar and that his family would say the same thing to him.

“Cant wait to have you back.”

But thinking about things i know that i need to make peace with my past. How? God…think about it. If Cooper had been in a mostly toxic relationship for 8 years i would say the same thing to him. Its okay and its great that both of us have people around us to love us enough to tell us

“Cant wait to have you back.”

I realized today when mom said that that its not against my x, she loves him, but that she just loves me too. She knows that the situation we had been was hurtful and that leaving it free’d both of us. We can now heal and grow and be blessed in our efforts. Its not that those loving my x hate me, they might …but its okay…because they are there for him and thats what matters. Live separately from others, allow them full happiness…and LIVE happily.

When i was on a journey quest this summer ~ at a particularly low moment ~ i locked myself in the bathroom, cranked the itunes and sobbed hoping all my friends couldn’t hear. I cried so long and hard that i couldnt breathe and blacked out on the floor for a moment. I took a deep breath and said to myself “chin up girl…long road still and cooper needs you when you get home.” i hopped in the shower and had this most amazing experience. I usually dont share these things freely but i feel that this could benefit so many people. I was in despair, trying intensely to breathe calmly when things got sort of illuminecent around me and i heard a voice call my name. I looked around and saw no one and asked in my mind “god? is that you?” the voice said “if there is a god, then i am the father of your soul and i would never want my child to feel this way.” i gasped…i felt free just from that thought …that God himself

“Cant wait to have me back.”

so i looked around and the room was calm, bright and peace came over me. the voice said “Lindy, how often do you feel this way?” I thought back…at least once a week for 8 years. the voice then asked, “Would you want Cooper to feel this way once a week for 8 years?”

no.

Nothing else was said. But its this thought that both my x and i had been hurting, trying, pained, suppressed and nothing could be fixed any further. and that not only family, friends and supporters felt this but GOD…he is always there loving us. he wants us back…be it from sin, or just plain misery… he

“Cant wait to have us back.”

and then the next question is…shouldn’t we feel the same? shouldn’t we be thrilled to come back? It often seems like the hard thing to do…to come back. it often is. its often the “wrong thing” to society or standerby’s but…when we DO what is right unafraid of the consequences there are so many around us that are excited to support and “have us back” Its not just sinners that god is calling back…its those clouded by pains, clouded by failures…and anything that takes us away from our divine vision and positive movements.

This life is breathtaking. its so amazing what one person, one sentence, one movement towards something greater can do for our joy.

I am glad to be coming back.

when you cannot do it alone so you beg god to help you sometimes its others he sends.

sometimes we are not able…and sometimes others are. and sometimes its them he sends.

Thank you. i finally surrender to God, and accept their help.

with their help i can rebuild and regrow and once again be the “other” that God will be able to send to someone in need…

One of my girlfriends just died of cancer

One of my girlfriends just got diagnosed with it

It is not a simple thing…in any aspect.

but here is what i know about it from the woman who just passed from it.

We can chose to be as strong  through it. We can chose to be graceful. We can chose to be amazing. We can chose to be loving through it. We can chose to love deeper than we ever have. We can chose to be inspiring and we can chose to stay US.

This makes me think… how did this amazing woman stay all of these things even while battling her illness for YEARS??? And how then can I CHOOSE to be these things just as i am now!

I loved her very much and am glad for her sake that she is home now but horrifyingly sad for her husband and two children that will not see her for a very long time. I pray for them to stay strong and remember everything about her as they can and to strive to be half the human that she was!

I also pray tonight for all of us! those just diagnosed, those who had loved ones diagnosed and those perfectly healthy to chose to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Do not take for granted the moments that we have with our babies! With our families, with our life!

Thanks Whit…i love you. you will be missed. (tell my brother hi) lin

So i just sat down after finishing my last full pilates session…HARD! but…if you like to feel alive i recommend you taking them! Last year was a huge success for me ~ i really set my mind to a few of the goals that i found most important and DID them. The biggest was fixing my health. As some of my readers know i have a herniated disc in my neck and 3 slipped ones. BUT thought thousands of dollars (teehee) and LOADS of effort i am now headache free and almost have full range of motion back. I just needed to not only believe that i could do it BUT DO IT! see thats the secret…that you not only need to apply the power of positive thinking but you need to get off your butt and DO IT ~ the hard part. I felt almost non-human/or like a ‘glass child’ but now i am ready for even more movement.

i took a life coaching class that changed my whole world as well…she pushed me towards braving movement again, thanks kirsten!

My book is finished and being read from an outsider for the first time!

i have a HUGE support group of WONDERFUL friends that i made THIS year (thanks to all of them, especially Jacquie, Stacie, Emily, Therese, Audi)

I am so eager for the new year! things just keep getting better…i just keep MAKING things better and better

thats the great thing about life and free will…we never have to settle or look back in a sad way! we get to choose each thing that we do and say ~ and THINK! thats the real powerhouse right there. so here is the list of NEW goals that i want to do this year…some of them are from last years missed list and a lot of them are new ones. HELP ME REMEMBER THEM TEAM!

tips for thos trying to set thier own:

MAKE THEM PUBLIC! whether its to a family or friend or anyone…we all need responsibility partners

dont get bummed when one is not accomplished…we are always trying to reach feelings and places in life and sometimes the way that we WANT to get there is not the way that is easiest/or most attainable… (what i mean: i wanted to run a marathon in order to GET back in shape…lol. what i really wanted was to feel happy and energetic and healthy…and taking pilates once a week for 7 weeks did the trick MUCH more efficiently than 5 hours training and most likely surgery after…lol)

Believe that you can do it

and MOST IMPORTANTLY: make small goals on how to accomplish the big ones. dont just say “get healthy” say “get healthy by exercising 3 times a week for 30 minutes each and in the mornings before cooper gets up”

ok…enough! share your top 3 goals in my comments and i will keep you in track as best i can and when accomplished i will mail you a gift!

2011

1. get jon into or finished with his final med course to becoming an EMT (pay deposit and register at minimum)

2. dont give up on adopting a child…pull your heart strings for one weekly

3. shoot 15 weddings

4. learn to live under 2k$ month

5. read my scriptures every day even if just one verse!

6. read scriptures every morning before school as a family

7. do my visiting teaching EACH month

8. return all friend and family or pro-bono sessions within two months

9. hike the foothills with cooper 40 times this year

10. take Hank the awesome dog on a REAL walk 3 times a week at least (or even just a chuck-it session)

11. finish final rendition of book one

12. write out book two

13. mail all nieces and nephews a card for their birthday

14. take cooper skateboarding 20 times

15. mail out thank you cards for everything i think to! (even silly ones!)

16. take another REAL vacation

17. find another way to carry out movement…try to run again…rock climb, anything that can further my mobility and neck health and happiness

18. make 2 new family photo-albums to “catch them up”

19. make a mini-movie with cooper

20. make a music video with cooper

21. discovery center once a month until membership expires

22. take cooper to 4 NEW museums or same ones IF they have NEW exhibits

23. take cooper to some formal musical event…like Trey McIntire or some broadway show

24. get cooper into a musical instrument and lessons

25. continue coopers swim team desires

26. mail thank you letters with small gift to my brides

27. ask cooper what he wants to do and do it no matter what ten more times!

28. sing in church once for sacrament meeting

29. read these goals once a week or nightly and always check myself daily for desires and follow them righteously

30. pray every morning and night just before and out of bed

31. continue the goals that i made into habits this year: babysit for friends, cook for those in need, thank you cards etc… check by re-reading that list once a month

32. have cooper plan another entrepreneur   event and earn his own money and life lessons on earning money (such as last years lemonade stand: he buys ALL needed product and saves up to do it via earning weekly money)

33. make a set of “JOBS” (not chores) that he can do AFTER chores are done to earn money weekly and continue to have him save, donate, spend

34. write in my journal daily at least 25 nights/days a month

35. call each sibling/ write them/ or Skype with them once every other month

36. find more and maintain the pen-pals that you have = self expression/ therapeutic writing and artistic enveloping!

37. blog at least 5 times a week.

38. have a family home evening, flexible on the day because of jons schedule.

39. blog post on each bride this year and sessions that changed my life.

and i think that is it…last year i ended up adding around ten goals to the list as i went…but i will keep you updated as they come into mind. and i will post on them as i achieve them too. so now i am off to finish out my day! so far so good! been up since six, already read my scriptures…exercised and blogged. now time to shower! lol…then coopers swim team, pick jon up, and family night! woot woot! i would say wish me luck but we make our own luck dont we?

tomorrow i have my first thanks going out…and then a bit about our christmas…then…who knows!

HIRE A PHOTOGRAPHER! dont have a “friend” of the family shoot them to preserve happiness in THEM! ITS YOUR WEDDING AND YOUR MEMORIES! FIGHT as HARD as you need to to get REAL photos! its art-history and with out REAL photos your memories do fade and die. \\

other than that ~ happy anniversary honey! we rock!

see any resemblance?????? lol. i look just like her!

here are a few of the words i have changed and replaced in my life:

balance.

what negative connotation this word brings me! there are two aspects to this word now: one~ my balance is weekly, and sometimes monthly and maybe yearly…not daily. and two… i prefer “smoothie”  My life is one delicious lindy smoothie. sometimes there is more pineapple than strawberry and others its full of almonds and chocolate! lol.

Responsibility.

used to exclude me. Now i am my biggest responsibility.

passions.

My passions fit in daily not just in my dreams.

wants ~

i used to view my wants as THINGS…when truly all i ever want is feelings not things. I want to feel a certain way and so i associate “this” with achieving that…because it did that for me back when…but now what does that??? i have started to really understand lindy and like her in ways i didn’t know before. She is pretty kick ass

definition of self.

I am not my environment. I am not my messy house. I am not my tired eyes. I am not workload. I am not my broken windshield. I am not my families issues. I am not my in-laws. I am not my weakness’s. I am not my bank account. I am not my friends. I am not defined by any THING…i am me. and i am beautiful and i am taking a moment to breathe and feel it.

I am defining who i am and who i want to be more each day. soon i will be unbreakable. thanks kirsten! really, for all the chains i dropped and all the wings i grew…thanks.

But here we are at another issue that i feel Gods love surrounding me telling me that this is under control and all things in his will. Our dog is sick. BADLY> he has no blood platelets. (almost none) and has been on steroids. But they seem to be making him more ill. The doc has said that prognosis is not good in most cases such as this and to be prepared. we all feel that he is dying. We have stayed with him all weekend loving him as much as we can, and fitting in each minute left. If God wants him home we are ok with that…but if he lets him stay we will of course be undoubtably grateful and love him until god calls him home. We have another blood test coming tomorrow to see what has happened since meds but all things are unknown still at this point. all i feel is that God loves us, and if Hank is to go ~ it is for all our benefits…and of course i have no clue how from this perspective ~ but am ready and willing to let God be in control of my life as i have done all year. Nothing but the best has come from these drastic events…and i expect nothing but the best from this new position on life.

Thank you God for taking over for us.

Here is a few pics of cooper giving some EXTRA hank love out tonight.

Coop: “Did someone toot? Or did someone forget to brush their teeth today?”

Jon: “I may have forgotten to brush my teeth.”

Cooper: “Then go brush them.”    pause…   “Twice!!!”

love it.