They were soooo fun to take photographs of! AND THEN CAME CHILDREN!

I shot Alexa’s photos when she was TINY, and then again when she was crawling everywhere. Recently we did another family session when Jessica was pregnant with her second. Then i got to meet and shot little AJ. We did a replicated shot in their sink that i LOVE LOVE LOVE…check it out!

Back in

I have had intense anger flowing through my veins…since august. Mainly directed towards four or five individuals that abandoned me at my time of greatest need. I had been there for these individuals as unconditionally as i could for over fifteen years and suddenly when i got divorced they stopped being there. Told me i was not family, told  me that they were no longer my friends…that they no longer cared about me. at first i was so freaking sad about it…no brothers???? no kindred spirit girlfriend since childhood anymore??? what will i do??? Then of course the anger towards the man who abused me for years…but i couldn’t shake it. it started building into this immense anger that started trickling into my daily routines, my daily thoughts…my family relations. I started hating them. Then i started hating me…then others that i had nothing but love towards. I dont want to get into what these people did to me…needless to say it was large…horrible and inexcusable.

“You need to let go of your anger ” Jeremiah told me.

HOW>>>???? i cried out to God while gripping these memories and pains as tightly as i could.

it turned out that anger is merely a symptom of the problem… i started to see the real deal.

I could not accept the fact that this was my past. that i had pumped years of unreturned love and energy into these individuals. I could not stand the fact that i was such a fool to love so deeply. how could they treat me so after they had NO reason to be this way? How could so many people dislike me when all i did was my best and gave and gave and gave unselfishly and unconditionally…

it infuriated me. To the point that i was seeing red. i wanted them to suffer the way they made me suffer.

i realized the root of the problem.

I kept trying to change the past in my mind.

As kirsten of blue lotus healing taught me its listening to our daily “little girl” inside that helps us find the root.

I would hear myself thinking:

“If only cooper was “genetically” Jeremiahs…”

“If only i was adopted…”

“If only …”

“If only….”

“If only…………”

and these thought were not acepting of the past…they didn’t allow any change because they didnt let me even fathom that it was real yet.

so i started listening more closely and i started to see the “red flags” (red-flags are warning signs that i find…when i hear myself say a particular word… (insert word here) then i know …(insert action or thought) ..is coming. and then when i heard or saw this red flag i would quickly change my thought to something that is as true OR TRUER…

i would say “Lindy, the past cannot be any other way.”

That simple.

i cannot forgive my brothers if i think they might have been able to be better than they were…or act differently. it is what is is…they are who they are…and therefore,

it couldnt have been any different.

my girlfriend couldnt have done anything differently…she is as she is…therefore it is what it is…and

it couldnt have been any different.

And this started to shift things. i am forgiving them…i am letting it go.

the weight of wishing they had done things differently started to fall our of my hands. the truth is it was not INSIDE of me. i am not a hateful person. i have NEVER hated until now and its leaving fast. I was holding them tightly in my hand and not wanting to let go…i was trying to change each thing. Re-write it in my mind. and now i am saying…i cannot make this anything but what it is…

it couldnt have been any different.

and when looking at this in perspective i can more clearly see that i am healing! and here i am in the life that i Always wanted! i wanted a man that i could love so freely and a family that so openly accepted me exactly as i was! I have friends that DO as i wished these individuals would have. But i am so thankful for the way that it turned out…this is what i had prayed for daily for eight years.

and what if….

what if …

what if ONE thing was different in my past??? I might not have Jeremiah in my life right now! i might not have the greatest husband, father and friend i have ever had. What if one little thing had not happened to me? i might not have the smartest coolest child that i have! What if just one little thing had shifted in my past…i might not have joy anymore. i might not have the friends that i do now. (you know who you are)

so here i am…letting go of the “what ifs…” truly ACCEPTING the past… learning to forgive, let go and LIVE!

In regards to “revenge” or “closure” or anything regarding the “haters” …. the greatest thing that i can do is live a good life, happy, that is right with the Lord…and i am.

truth deep inside is i love these individuals. i hate what happened. i loved them enough to put this amount of energy and service towards them for so long…thats why it hurt. and although i cannot be close with them anymore i accept that and I wish them the best lives that they can live. i wish them to see what they did wrong and not hurt anyone that they truly do love as they did me. I wish them to find success, security, and joy…as i have.

I am not perfect…i am a grain of sand…but someday ~ i will be a pearl.

I actually considered, and now wish that i had, laid under the lines and watched them dry. There is such a peace to my mothers ranch that i start to crave…i want t home with a clothes line. If you have never done this…do so.

But the thoughts that i had reminded me of something.

When i lived in New Jersey i used to drive to the ocean every chance that i had and watch the waves flow back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…nothing can change this. they are fluid, organic and so alive and consistent. I used to pretend that i was the water calmly floating to and fro with out a care in the world.

When i lived in Eastern Idaho i used to climb a big tree up into a tree fort and watch the clouds move slowly in and out of my little window in the leaves. They were so wonderful and soft in their movement…consistent yet ever changing. I used to pretend that i lived as a cloud for the afternoon…and enjoyed focusing only on moving gracefully about the open blue.

When i spent summers at the lake i would lay on the docks and listen to the clink each time the water moved them around. I loved the way that the water pushed them back and forth and although they rocked and clicked their joints at the waves they allowed the natural movements to sway them to sleep and submitted to it year after year…i pretended that i was the docks as i laid there, wishing that i could allow life to move me so with out ever changing and again maintaing that dignity and grace they did.

When i spend time in McCall or Seattle i watch the sail boats drift slowly across the bays and again marvel at their slow constance and grace. I love the way their sails are built to handle the stress that the life of the air gives them. I love the way that their wood is polished to endure the waves of the sea. And although they are being pushed almost violently by the wind they are slow, cautious and calm as they glide on top of the waves. I love to watch them and pretend that i too am a clean and simple sail boat that with such ease can not run from the wind thrown at him but harness it and use it to move me along. i loved just thinking how it would feel to be so steady in my position and so CLEAR in my title and duty in life.

And at the ranch this week i remembered all these things while wishing that i was a clean white sheet swaying back and forth in the sun shiny wind.

The pattern is simple…

I long to be so clear, calm and graceful. i long to KNOW what my job title and duties are so CLEARLY that i can allow the push of life to help me and not slow me down. That i can so obviously see what things that life will throw me as to prepare as they did with their reinforced sails, and protected woods; their accepting sands and strong cords.

But the answers need not be too confusing! ask yourself…

What is my daily duty? Or duties?

What derails me from my daily path?

How do i feel while daily living?

If its not good then why do i feel that way?

How do i want to feel?

What can i creatively do to feel the way that i want to?

What things do i do to confuse my roles throughout the day? (for instance the ocean needs no sails, and the cloud needs no lines.)

While i have been working hard on this topic i have started making a weekly list, and a daily list of the clean cut roles and duties that i have.

Daily my role is to:

prepare healthy meals for my son,

pray with my family,

journal,

scriptures,

clean something (written this way so that if time allows(less wind etc…) i deep clean something; and if time doesnt allow i wash a counter.)

tell my family how deeply they are loved,

pray personally,

and make sure to sit calmly and think about how i feel as to become the person that can gracefully float, sway and drift through the things life pushes my way and alter what i need to the next day.

as long as i achieve these things then i can handle what may come!

weekly i make a list of “to do’s” and now i am ever so cautious not to fill it with so much that i am rushing about to and fro like a ant would…i have never nor will i ever watch anything as fast and chaotic and wish i was that! This week i have already achieved 13 out of the 20 things that i said i NEED to do…and its not because they are tiny things…its because the fact that i did as i last blogged! i am allowing myself to be HUMAN and setting my expectations where they should be and starting to allow myself that flow i desire.

when planning your day as to allow yourself FLOW think of a cake…there are so many types…

But what do they have in common? Their “flow”, as i have been calling it, are the ingredients that make their uniqueness possible. Every cake has flour, eggs, milk or some form of these ingredients…and sugar. We too need some things that never change no matter who we are!

Meditate! reflect! think! and find the things in your days that you need to be consistant to allow daily healing, daily growth and then eventually

flow.

I used to think “i can do anything…just me…”

i am starting to admit “i cant.”

Today I cant:

do the dishes, sweep the floors, do 3 loads of laundry, make 3 healthy meals for cooper, emails all my clients back, write in my journal, clean the kitchen, spend one on one time with my son, go on a date with my husband, sing in the shower for an hour, write a friend a thank you note and mail it, finish the photos on the desktop, find a new client to sign, clean out my junk emails, give up eating chips, read my scriptures and learn spanish and then clean up and go to sleep calmly and in good grace.

When did i turn into this person? when did i truly EXPECT and BELIEVE that i could “do it all” I was limiting my abilities by just thinking that i could! and then being so angry with myself for failing daily. I TRULY believed that i COULD do it all…and when i failed i believed (TRULY) that i just didn’t want it bad enough, and i COULD have done it therefore i was a failure. but its time to say “I CANT.”

when is it folly not to quit?

now i dont mean life…dont quit life…but quit expecting yourself to be able to DO EVERYTHING you would like to. you dont have to do it all TODAY, RIGHT NOW…breathe and achieve step by step, line upon line, precept upon precept.

today is my birthday…32. and today i decide to not expect myself to be perfect. I decide today to love myself JUST as i am. I decide today to be okay with the fact that i cannot do it all on my own. I no longer  think that i CAN do everything, i do not think that my inability to do it all defines my self worth….and i will set more realistic goals daily…achievable lists…and i will also from now on ask for help…accept it when offered and given and live louder and more honetly than ever before.

hello 32…bring it on.

I woke up thrilled to go and buy my new golf clubs so that i could join my husband on the green and pretend to know what i am doing beside him but in route i realized that i do not, at this point, have the ability to purchase them for myself. We came home. I laughed. I cried. “Happy birthday!” I thought laying in bed pouting a bit. I tried to gain composure but it was not coming to me. “Time to get up and suck it up!” I said dragging myself out of the bed. I started some macaroni and cheese (comfort food) and threw on my Dr De’s (best headphones ever) and tuned the world out to the sound of Smashing Pumpkins. I laughed thinking about how we, mothers, will NOT get a haircut or hair coloring for half a year so that we can afford to buy our kids new clothes. How we will wear cheap fake converse because the 50$ kicks could go a long way for helping our children have what they need. How we will buy them bikes, skateboards, scooters and other great activities and just walk beside them because we cannot afford our own. But that is our willing trade off. I thought about how i have had the same running shoes for the past ten years…the same bed that i found (in a dumpster …i might add…) and since i lost so much weight from the lack of stress after divorce i only have four shirts and two pairs of pants that fit me. Then Jerry kissed me goodbye as he headed out the door to (get this…) golf. LOL… Yes, it felt like salt to my wound, but of course not intended to be.

I laugh at this…

WHY???

Because after Jerry left i started cleaning and thinking…i packed up the old photo albums, scrapbooks…things of the past, i sorted shelves and dusted. I started thinking about the worst things in my life…my skeletons.

temporary cash flow…bills…divorce…disassociated family members… anything that popped into my head seemed to be angry memories. i wanted to shout and scream…but then i thought of Jerry.

He was somewhere on a green course calm and happy. Probably feeling a bit for me in my silly state but nonetheless he was THERE…he was MINE. HE loves me more than i deserve most the time. I thought of Cooper, happy at school…playing on the playground with his friends, laughing, learning. He was THERE and he loved me far more than i deserved daily. He is like a puppy…thinking that i am perfect and loving me as such.

So there was my worst, and my best ~ side by side.

Can we have one with out the other?

Nope.

This might be what so many people call “balance.”

See, if i had not had sucked at this or that then i might not be good at this or that. Had i not screwed up this then i wouldn’t have got this right.

When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden and ate the forbidden fruit they were told it was so that they could see the good from the bad, and know joy from pain.

Dont we all then need this lesson in life?

So here i am … i will ALWAYS live with the skeletons of my past…but they need not haunt me. the bad things will always be around me…but then again SO WILL THE GOOD THINGS.

And the pain from the past is so little compared to the joy of my now.

We need to be able to focus mostly on the good things and still be able to live somewhere balanced in the best and the worst.

and we can.

Yesterday i took my stitches out.

For those who dont know i (in an hour of frustration) decided to cut a box held together with a million zip ties open with my tiny little pocket knife…and instead cut my hand open. I only needed three stitches BUT sat in emergency room nearly four hours while they X-rayed and poked and prodded…they thought that i cut through or into the knuckle…nope. And i missed the tendons that allow me to open and close the finger. so apparently the place i sliced was VITAL to the function of my hand! But, thank goodness, I missed all that. What i did not miss was a bundle of nerves. I sliced DIRECTLY into and THROUGH the major nerve bundle in my hand bouncing the knife off my bone. It was painful. I felt the stitches going in even on five numbing shots. And for a while i couldn’t do ANYTHING at home. i could not get dressed, take my clothes off, do any cooking, sleep, walk, and pretty much anything that involved moving. Well two weeks went by and i clipped and pulled the stitches out myself. it was a very weird feeling pulling the green threads out of my hand and watching my skin go flat again. there is a pile of dead skin on the top of the slice mark that is slowly going to fall off but as of now its a hard callused ugly line. And with my stitches freshly pulled i excitedly packed the golf clubs and guns for a day of hitting balls and shooting targets…but once there the line had become so tender that again any movement hurt. I ended up watching Jeremiah hit the balls of the line as if i was just his cute cheerleader…and if was fun because my man is a hotty, but i was so bummed that my hand hurt! I JUST got the stitches OUT! i should be able to PLAY! Then shooting was cancelled. I sort of thought that holding a machine that has an EXPLOSION in my hand was not a smart idea.

BUT today …the pain is subsiding.

So thinking about the gross line on my hand last night i realized so many parts of  our lives are like this. How many times do we, out of frustrations, stupidity, poor choices,any self-serving nature, and sometimes the poor choices and self-serving nature of others cause us to hurt. And just like my hand, these actions will slice through major “soul-nerves” and hurt like hell…to the point nothing can numb it. But at the same time it will not hit the vital tendons or joints needed to eventually continue a healthy existence later on. And although it will hurt…it will heal. And all though we cannot do things on our own during these times we can accept the help of others knowing that we will heal.

Talking to Jeremiah about the wound he informed me that my line was against the grain of my muscle and that it heals from the inside out which is why there is the line of dying painful skin and stitch dots around the top still that need to heal up.

That too is like us…we do need to heal from the inside out. Jeremiah was “inside” my heart almost instantly upon meeting and he was vital to my healing process which will still continue until i am fully healed…hopefully in this life! I had three friends that stuck with me and stayed close to my heart at the point of major healing…you know who you are ~ thanks. But my point is its this love and help from others that allows the deep tissue of our souls to heal so that someday we can pull out the stitches.

Now heres where my thought took flight.

Those dang stitches … so annoying and painful. I HATED them! they got in the way and any time they were touched they hurt! when my strength started to come back in my hand i would try and grip something and they would shoot some pain at me and remind me that i had just been sliced open and needed to slow down. I hated this! i felt good! i wanted to move! But the reminder kept me remotely patient ~ until i took them out expecting full relief. NOPE.  PAIN AGAIN!!!!>>>>????

See those stitches are like many things! there are the help that we had from loved ones, the love from our God, the actual restrictions that we have from the events that occurred…the anger inside us (that we might not know that we have!), the despair that we feel, the needs we have. These represent soooo much! And when it comes time that the deep tissue is healed enough for us to try and fly on our own again it gets worse at first…

Sometimes JUST the forgiveness required towards the person(s) that caused the pain is enough to keep the wound from healing…but pulling the stitches out is necessary to heal. We must forgive, we must push through, we must move on!

AND WE CAN!

The pain that comes from forgiveness…or from just saying that your strong enough TO forgive a wrong ~ the pain that comes from telling yourself you CAN do it…the fear that creeps in saying “you cannot move on! you cannot forgive…you CANT do this again!” when we TRUST GOD, trust our loved ones…we can move on! we can forgive! we can LIVE a life full of JOY and near-perfection!

So if you are reading this thinking about that wound you have…the one that you know is pushed into the tip of your shoes to hide…that one. we all have them and sometimes we know we are making them…mostly we wake up and go “what the hell?” and  ”How did i get here?” and then we have to get the stitches…heal and pull them out.

its not easy ~ and not fun…at first! then it becomes JOY and NEAR-PERFECTION!

i am eager to go shooting again soon! and run..and everything else that i want to do and be!

again …

a quick thank you to those who helped me sew up my heart! to those who helped me start the healing process…to those that didn’t dis-own me..to those that loved me regardless of what the WORLD thought of my situation. Thanks to those who held my hand while i was learning to let the muscles re-attatch. thanks to those who never quit on me! I am so glad that you saw how worth it i was when i couldnt! And i am getting so near to that point where i can yank the stitches out in a full sprint towards who i was meant to be! I LOVE  YOU!

In the words of a Jason Mraz song that i ADORE and listened to each morning for MONTHS called “Details in the fabric” (google it!!!! no bad language)

Calm down

Deep breaths

And get yourself dressed

Instead of running around

And pulling all your threads

And breaking yourself up
If it’s a broken part, replace it

If it’s a broken arm then brace it

If it’s a broken heart then face it
And hold your own, Know your name, And go your own way
Hold your own, Know your own name, And go your own way, And everything will be fine
Hang on,Help is on the way

And stay strong, I’m doing everything
Hold your own, Know your name, And go your own way
Hold your own, Know your name, And go your own way
And everything…Everything, it will be fine…Everything
are the details in the fabric? Are the things that make you panic? Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow?

Hell, no reason, go on and scream

If you’re shocked it’s just the faultOf faulty manufacturing
Everything will be fine

Everything…in no time at all, Everything
Hold your own, Know your name, Go your own way

Everything it will be fine…Everything in no time at all, Hearts will hold

I realized about three weeks ago that i was safe enough, finally, to let the walls down around who i am. What i mean about that is that in the past, especially the last five, the emotional abuse was so strong ALL AROUND me (“family”, “friends”, “Clients”) that i had tucked my heart into a little safety box that i kept locked inside me deep ~ and hid. I built these 5 years “mantra’s” of belief about myself to combat the onslaught of verbal abuse that i heard on a regular basis…i often heard ~ quote unquote:

“You jeopardize the integrity of our family”

“You are a lier”

“You will never be enough to make me happy”

“You fake your religion”

“Your a bad friend”

“Your a bad mother”

on and on and on……………………………………………………………………………

So i built these self-beliefs… they kept me alive inside my walls.

I would say lindy,

1. your a great mother

2. your a great friend

3. you are a great wife/companion

3. your a neat-freak

4. you are a great christian

5. you are a great artist

But what i didn’t notice was that while i might have been these things at one time i was letting them slip away from my character. I was so busy trying to convince all the “haters” that i was worth while…that i was great and not as they were saying (so intensely fighting them)that i forgot to BE great. Now i am not being hard on myself ~ i recognize that our minds do powerful things to protect our hearts and to stay alive emotionally…i survived as best i knew how.

During the past month with the man that God blessed me with i have realized that i am no longer great at my faith, i am no longer great at being much… Those who know me might be thinking that i am these things…i worked hard to show them…but walk into my home and spend some real time with me and you will see how truly human i am. I am re-learning how to be a wife, how to be a homemaker…how to be ME

And although i am not as good at BEING these things I AM STILL these things…. They are my strong branches of my tree, just out of practice. i am rejuvenating me.

I made a list of things that need to be done on a daily basis…and while i learn how to make these things a daily habit i dont really care about the rest.

Daily i will

And until i am great at these things again i dont care what else i do! If i play video games all day but DO these things i am a success.

I no longer have the NEED to defend my self worth…i need to live it. I am surrounded by my Jeremiah and my Cooper and sometime soon i will be ME…we are safe. i am FINALLY home. and here i can stretch and grow because I KNOW that i am loved and safe and even as imperfect as i am and in all my weaknesses i am still surrounded by their safety and love. I no longer need to be perfect to be loved, i am loved…i am so thankful to God for this new life.

I hope that this post made sense.

ITs such a wordless feeling to finally see that  i am strong, i am still not immune to the haters…and i still care for what others think, i just dont define myself by it anymore. i am SHOWING up in my own life more. Now I am safe enough in Jeremiahs love that i can listen to his feedback and again GROW… instead of shutting down to self-protect.

Its wonderfully empowering and horrifyingly vulnerable to live this way….but oh so worth it.

I went on a Run…then jog…then walk today.

Lately i have been bogged down with such intense thoughts of failure. I feel like i suck. I feel like the five things that i prided myself on were suddenly not true about me anymore. I feel like there is so much swirling inside my mind. I, for the past few weeks, had been trying desperately to apply my life coaching that Kirsten taught me to correct these thoughts with some that are more true or as true but positive…so that i could again have this strong forward motion. But when i tried to correct them i just felt like a liar. I felt stuck.

But today on my run-jog-walk i realized what my problem is.

Now stick with me because this sounds like a catch 22 ~ and a impossibility ~ and also a joke…but its true.

My problem is that i am was looking for my problem.

I was so determined to fix me, in every way, that i was ignoring the good things that i have in me. I was focusing solely on the things that i am not good at. I was watching myself mess up and mess up and mess up until i could no longer even SEE the good things that i was accomplishing on a daily basis.

Take today for instance:

I got all dressed up to RUN! i jumped in the car with the dog and head off to the hills. Once there i ran uphill one mile until my lungs were burning and i knew that i would in a moment push through the burn and then be great through the last two miles…then my dog ran off. it took five minuted to get him back and by then i had to start the run again and work up to the burn point. once there again the dog ran off again! I had this glorious plan of running to this point in the hills that overlook the city FAR UP and SCREAM out the things that i wish i could say out loud to the haters, myself… “You cannot take away my self worth!” “I am greater than you will ever know!” But what i didn’t know is that i wouldn’t get to that point today! I even meditated in the morning to get up the guts to do it. I jogged for a bit then turned and walked the mile back to the car.

On the walk back i was listening to “rootless tree” by Damien Rice. (this song has bad language so be aware if you wanna google it) But i realized that i was a rootless tree.

We are all trees. our strong attributes are like big healthy branches that give shade and health to the rest of the tree ~ family and friends and self. (for me those branches are service, love for others, art…) The dying ones are those that are things that we do not excel in. (for me its patience, moderation, self-love, daily spiritual practices…) But here is the question: have you ever seen a tree that EACH branch has the same health and same amount of leaves on them? Have you ever seen a tree that is perfect looking, where every branch and leaf is the same size and there are NO dying spots?

NOPE

We are all trees. And here is the next thought…

On these trees, what would happen if the tree quit supplying life to the strong branches to focus on ones that didn’t grow at all?

Death to the good traits.

I had so solely cut off the good things in my mind that the roots fell off of my greatness….and since they were not there supporting and sending health, happiness and strength the the weak spots i started to become totally rootless.

So here i am ready to again be great where i am great and allow myself to focus on the spots that need improvement after i am great that day. I will not ignore my greatness.

And even though i am not perfect in these areas that i am strong, i am still strong! And when i improve and grow in these strengths then my tree will be strong enough that the weak branches may improve also.

I will no longer be a rootless tree. I want to become such a large and spacious, green and beautiful, healthy thick tree for myself and my family. its okay that i have some branches that suck! Its okay that some of the necessary branches have not yet even grown in! Because i know that i am a child of god and that deeply rooted faith will allow my tree to continue to flourish. I will improve daily where i can and enjoy the shaded success of my daily strengths.

Time for us to work on the strong roots too! not just the weak ones.

I want to do it again! from april 15th through may i am offering 50% off portrait sessions for all my prior client/friends…and their family and friends!   thanks guys!